Steven Wright Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

  Steven Wright

  Laughing, Bird, Imagine

  34 Copy quote

• I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Motivation, Lying

  13 Copy quote

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Barbie

  45 Copy quote

• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

  Steven Wright

  Love, Dream, Funny Inspirational

  39 Copy quote

• Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Yesterday

  16 Copy quote

• Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

  Steven Wright

  Night, Gambling, People

  92 Copy quote

• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, School, Humor

  28 Copy quote

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  13 Copy quote

• The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Waiting

  8 Copy quote

• I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Children, Book

  5 Copy quote

• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

  Steven Wright

  Death, Girlfriend, One Day

  9 Copy quote

• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Friends

  39 Copy quote

• You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

  Steven Wright

  Cat, Justice, Cooking

  17 Copy quote

• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

  Steven Wright

  Sarcastic, Cat, Sarcasm

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

  89 Copy quote

• Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Real, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Real, Humor

  30 Copy quote

• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Writing, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Country, Witty

  99 Copy quote

• Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Together

  11 Copy quote

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

  215 Copy quote

• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

  Steven Wright

  Death, Fun, Science

  9 Copy quote

• I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

  Steven Wright

  Mind, Madness, Lost

  38 Copy quote

• They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

  Steven Wright

  Helping, Should, Traffic

  47 Copy quote

• Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

  Steven Wright

  Hockey, Men, Goalies

  6 Copy quote

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