Clones are people two.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
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