Henny Youngman Quotes

Quotes about:

• A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

  Henny Youngman

  Husband, Fall, Home

  141 Copy quote

• A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

  Henny Youngman

  Nice, Men, Next Day

  84 Copy quote

• A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

  88 Copy quote

• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

  Henny Youngman

  Good Life, Grandma, Drinking

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  155 Copy quote

• Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

  Henny Youngman

  Different, Answers, Asks

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  35 Copy quote

• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Relationship, Anniversary

  90 Copy quote

• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Thinking, Men

  39 Copy quote

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Motivational, Witty

  122 Copy quote

• I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Food, Humor

  80 Copy quote

• I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

  Henny Youngman

  Political, Political Jokes, Jokes

  69 Copy quote

• A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Clothes, Yesterday

  76 Copy quote

• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

  Henny Youngman

  Drinking, Beer, Drunk

  108 Copy quote

• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

  Henny Youngman

  God, People, Stupidity

  55 Copy quote

• "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Hurt, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Running, Love Life

  18 Copy quote

• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  Henny Youngman

  Sarcastic, Years, Two

  32 Copy quote

• While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

  Henny Youngman

  Golf, Two, Balls

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  50 Copy quote

• Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, New York, Humor

  44 Copy quote

• My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Missing, My Best Friend

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  36 Copy quote

• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

  Henny Youngman

  Crazy, Drinking, Reading

  Quoted in Rocky Mountain News, 15 July 1994

  105 Copy quote

• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Married, Single Man

  80 Copy quote

• I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

  Henny Youngman

  Two, Lawyer, Asks

  13 Copy quote

• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Marriage, Women

  85 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

  81 Copy quote

• A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Doctors, Survival

  42 Copy quote

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