Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 5

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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Henny Youngman

College, Drink, Fountain

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My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Wife

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I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

Henny Youngman

Long, Afternoon, Four

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During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Girl, War

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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Nice, Humor

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

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Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Jigsaw Puzzles

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His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Years

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I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Thinking

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Henny Youngman

Bills, Saws, Telephones

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Halloween, Humor

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How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Henny Youngman

Crazy, Guy, Pages

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Women, Humor

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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Wife

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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Henny Youngman

Wife, Luck, Lasts

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

Henny Youngman

Teacher, Teaching, Assessment

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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman

Inspirational, Funny, Graduation

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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Henny Youngman

Horse, Past, Gambling

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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Henny Youngman

Mother, Law, House

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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Henny Youngman

New Year, Giving Up, Years

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Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Suffering

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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

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The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Kings, Humor

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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Henny Youngman

Moving, Want, Way

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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Born: March 16, 1906
Died: February 24, 1998
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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