Phyllis Diller Quotes

Quotes about:

• If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny Inspirational, Humor, Wrinkles

  132 Copy quote

• I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hours, Seven, Beauty Shop

  74 Copy quote

• I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

  Phyllis Diller

  Philosophy, Buddhism, Meditation

  102 Copy quote

• You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

  Phyllis Diller

  Compliments You, Shoes, Alligators

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  91 Copy quote

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Happiness, Smile

  199 Copy quote

• I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

  Phyllis Diller

  Made

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.242, Penguin

  37 Copy quote
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  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

  98 Copy quote
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  The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

  Phyllis Diller

  Football, Motivational Sports, Inspiration

  103 Copy quote

• When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Home, Kissing

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.28, Penguin

  15 Copy quote

• I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

  Phyllis Diller

  Cute, Birthday, Funny Relationship

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  22 Copy quote

• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Nudity, Old People

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.256, Penguin

  13 Copy quote

• You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Blood, Type

  79 Copy quote

• This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Gun, Clerks

  62 Copy quote

• The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

  Phyllis Diller

  Doctors, Body, Reincarnation

  34 Copy quote

• I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

  Phyllis Diller

  Giving Up, Years, I Will Never Give Up

  22 Copy quote

• My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

  Phyllis Diller

  Underwear, Body, Shapes

  7 Copy quote

• I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Husband, Son

  8 Copy quote

• The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Marriage, Husband, Common

  25 Copy quote

• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  43 Copy quote

• ... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

  Phyllis Diller

  Children, Writing, Dust

  15 Copy quote

• I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Doctors, Clothes

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.116, Penguin

  51 Copy quote

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  98 Copy quote

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Family, Mom

  77 Copy quote

• Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Heart, Doctors

  48 Copy quote

• I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Phases, Tables

  68 Copy quote

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