Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 8

Quotes about:

• I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

  Phyllis Diller

  Dope, Sound, Want

  "Phyllis Diller Recounts Her Life", www.foxnews.com. April 10, 2005.

  5 Copy quote

• Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Goldfish, Too Much

  6 Copy quote

• Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sleep, Bed, Gone

  7 Copy quote

• Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Air, Car

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• Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

  Phyllis Diller

  Spring, Kids, Parent

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.15, Penguin

  7 Copy quote

• The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

  Phyllis Diller

  Careers, Lasts, Hello

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.118, Penguin

  8 Copy quote

• Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

  Phyllis Diller

  Splits, Firsts, Spirit

  7 Copy quote

• My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Law, Coats

  5 Copy quote

• A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

  Phyllis Diller

  Song, Lines, Singers

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Blow, Ill Will

  7 Copy quote

• Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

  Phyllis Diller

  Water, Three, Three Times

  5 Copy quote

• Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Believe, Results, Witchcraft

  10 Copy quote

• I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

  Phyllis Diller

  Football, Stars, Team

  7 Copy quote

• My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Husband, Law

  7 Copy quote

• How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

  Phyllis Diller

  Growing Up, Mark, Wells

  4 Copy quote

• Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Dream, Law

  5 Copy quote

• Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sports, Tennis, Marrying

  4 Copy quote

• Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Medicine

  8 Copy quote

• I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Couple, Husband

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• For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Morning, Moving

  8 Copy quote

• My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hecklers, Timing, Appointments

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  8 Copy quote

• It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

  Phyllis Diller

  Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Three

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• I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Ships, Tattooed, Wanted

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• Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

  Phyllis Diller

  War, Tragedy, Would Be

  4 Copy quote

• The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Complaining, Elbows

  4 Copy quote

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