Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 6

Quotes about:

• Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Coffee, Kids

  5 Copy quote

• I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

  Phyllis Diller

  Yards, Buried, Housework

  "Phyllis Diller, zany humorist and comedy trailblazer, dies aged 95". www.theguardian.com. August 20, 2012.

  8 Copy quote

• We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Children, Humorous

  9 Copy quote

• Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Ghetto, Littles

  10 Copy quote

• My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

  Phyllis Diller

  Eight, Years, Smoking

  9 Copy quote

• This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Balls, Bowling

  8 Copy quote

• I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Law, Watches

  4 Copy quote

• Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Wife, Remodeling

  6 Copy quote

• If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

  Phyllis Diller

  Apples, Shapes, Adam

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.46, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

  Phyllis Diller

  Baby, Men, Ideas

  8 Copy quote

• Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

  Phyllis Diller

  Girl, Thinking, People

  10 Copy quote

• My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Car, Ankles

  5 Copy quote

• When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

  Phyllis Diller

  Home, School, Kids

  4 Copy quote

• ... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

  Phyllis Diller

  Breaths, Ifs, Bad Breath

  9 Copy quote

• I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Baby, Laughing

  6 Copy quote

• I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Dog, Hate

  7 Copy quote

• Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, People, Parlor

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.53, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

  Phyllis Diller

  Guests, Matter, Ready

  6 Copy quote

• Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Get Well, Sloth

  8 Copy quote

• Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

  Phyllis Diller

  Running, Children, Women

  61 Copy quote

• I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, House, Cures

  6 Copy quote

• My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

  Phyllis Diller

  Night, House, Wigs

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

  Phyllis Diller

  Elbows, Bouquets, Faces

  5 Copy quote

• Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Coffee

  9 Copy quote

Page 6 of 9

First

← Prev

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin