Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

  Phyllis Diller

  Family, Years, Insane

  68 Copy quote

• Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Rooms

  "Comedian Phyllis Diller dies 'with a smile on her face'" by Alan Duke, www.cnn.com. August 22, 2012.

  7 Copy quote

• If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

  Phyllis Diller

  Jeans, Mercy, Ifs

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  8 Copy quote

• To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

  Phyllis Diller

  Blow, Apples, Torches

  51 Copy quote

• If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Giving, Want

  11 Copy quote

• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mom, Witty, Funny Inspirational

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.81, Penguin

  15 Copy quote

• We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

  Phyllis Diller

  Fire, Mud, Californians

  12 Copy quote

• Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Divorced, Appendix

  30 Copy quote

• The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

  Phyllis Diller

  Song, Wine, Space

  53 Copy quote

• It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mothers Day, Mom, Fathers Day

  68 Copy quote

• I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

  Phyllis Diller

  Dating, Easy

  23 Copy quote

• When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Beach, Tides

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.51, Penguin

  10 Copy quote

• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Half, Hours

  "Fearless and Funny: When Comedy Was Queen" by Michael R. Drew and Robert J. Hughes, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 23, 2012.

  12 Copy quote

• I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

  Phyllis Diller

  Years, Use, Cleaning

  42 Copy quote

• Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Cooking, Nerves, May

  10 Copy quote

• Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

  Phyllis Diller

  Parent, Married, Enough

  13 Copy quote

• Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

  Phyllis Diller

  Falling In Love, Drinking, Alcohol

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  13 Copy quote

• Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

  Phyllis Diller

  Get Well, Believe, Mind

  "Phyllis Diller's File Of 53,000 Jokes". "Weekend Edition Saturday" with Scott Simon, www.npr.org. March 11, 2017.

  8 Copy quote

• My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Inspiration, Hated

  5 Copy quote

• I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Night, Central Park

  8 Copy quote

• Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Comedy, Argument

  10 Copy quote

• Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Dog, Shepherds

  41 Copy quote

• I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

  Phyllis Diller

  Radio, Dinner, Taste

  8 Copy quote

• I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Sick, Dating

  5 Copy quote

• You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

  Phyllis Diller

  Beautiful, Steps, Comedy

  30 Copy quote

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