Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Phases, Tables

  68 Copy quote

• Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Heart, Doctors

  48 Copy quote

• A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Night, Lasts

  16 Copy quote

• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Mom, Mother

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  64 Copy quote

• I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Onions, Sides

  9 Copy quote

• My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Husband, Careers

  12 Copy quote

• You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Humor, Humility

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.12, Penguin

  15 Copy quote
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  My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

  Phyllis Diller

  Thanksgiving, Fun, Kids

  87 Copy quote

• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Birthday, Anniversary

  116 Copy quote

• I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Blouses

  "Phyllis Diller, Sassy Comedian, Dies at 95" by Richard Severo, Peter Keepnews, www.nytimes.com. August 20, 2012.

  72 Copy quote

• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Life, Birthday

  91 Copy quote

• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  43 Copy quote

• Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sea, Bedroom, Happenings

  13 Copy quote

• Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Men, Thinking

  4 Copy quote

• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

  54 Copy quote

• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Growing Up, Children, Silly

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  66 Copy quote

• My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Justice, Looks

  8 Copy quote

• I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

  Phyllis Diller

  Age, How You Feel, Aging

  23 Copy quote

• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Mom

  1261 Copy quote

• I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

  Phyllis Diller

  Baby, Doctors, World

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.20, Penguin

  54 Copy quote

• My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

  Phyllis Diller

  Suicide, Husband, Kids

  12 Copy quote

• If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

  Phyllis Diller

  Doors, House, Enemy

  16 Copy quote

• I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

  Phyllis Diller

  Food, Cake, Chocolate

  16 Copy quote

• You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

  Phyllis Diller

  Airbags, Walkers, Knows

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.270, Penguin

  29 Copy quote

• Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

  Phyllis Diller

  Children, Advice, Bottles

  "Fearless and Funny: When Comedy Was Queen" by Michael R. Drew and Robert J. Hughes, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 23, 2012.

  19 Copy quote

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