Phyllis Diller Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Mom, Mother

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Mom

• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Family, Mom

• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Happiness, Smile

• Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Dog, Shepherds

• Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Dog, Stoves

• You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Humor, Humility

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.12, Penguin

• When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Home, Kissing

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.28, Penguin

• We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.68, Penguin

• The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.194, Penguin

• When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Beach, Humor

• Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Giving, Sloth

• Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Wind

• Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Medicine

• Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Coffee

• When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Beautiful, Sloth

• Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Get Well, Sloth

• Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Sloth, Pills

• I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Skills, Sloth

• We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Children, Humorous

• Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Wedding, Dog

  "Phyllis Diller Started in San Francisco" by Corey Andrew, www.nbcbayarea.com. August 22, 2012.

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