Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  Henny Youngman

  Anniversary, Husband, Inspiration

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  33 Copy quote

• A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Next Day, House

  108 Copy quote

• Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

  Henny Youngman

  Years, Doing Nothing, Impossible

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  34 Copy quote

• There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  19 Copy quote

• My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

  Henny Youngman

  Weight Loss, Light, Wife

  20 Copy quote

• We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny Marriage, Done, Married

  11 Copy quote

• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Motivation

  52 Copy quote

• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

  Henny Youngman

  Lakes, Water, Wife

  29 Copy quote

• When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Sneezing

  15 Copy quote

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Wife

  86 Copy quote

• When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Winning

  41 Copy quote

• My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

  Henny Youngman

  Brother, Jobs, Giving Up

  34 Copy quote

• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

  Henny Youngman

  I Love You, Marriage, Funny Love

  26 Copy quote

• My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

  Henny Youngman

  Education, Teacher, Memories

  14 Copy quote

• The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  5 Copy quote

• Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  40 Copy quote

• My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Food, Humor

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  23 Copy quote

• When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Health, Doctors

  43 Copy quote

• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Family

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  52 Copy quote

• A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

  Henny Youngman

  Beach, Grandma, Kids

  37 Copy quote

• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Two

  18 Copy quote

• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

  Henny Youngman

  Being Happy, Money, Silly

  83 Copy quote

• My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Years

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  6 Copy quote

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

  Henny Youngman

  Atheist, Holiday, Christmas Wishes

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  51 Copy quote

• In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

  Henny Youngman

  Football, School, Years

  10 Copy quote

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