Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Quotes about:

• I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  15 Copy quote

• When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Beauty, Mother, Doctors

  20 Copy quote

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Beauty, Crazy

  1453 Copy quote

• I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Science, Parent

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  37 Copy quote

• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Pregnancy, Moving

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  94 Copy quote

• Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Clever, Smart

  70 Copy quote

• I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
  rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
  at fractions.'

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Lovers, Scales

  29 Copy quote

• You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Mouths, Ugly, Sticks

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

  84 Copy quote
• 

  A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Men, Guy, Wish

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.22, Zondervan

  70 Copy quote

• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Kids, Someday, Said

  26 Copy quote

• I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Morning, Sex

  70 Copy quote

• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Hate, Humorous

  "Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros". Book by Bob Fenster, 2005.

  94 Copy quote

• I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny Relationship, Wine, Men

  68 Copy quote

• I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Airports, Lucky, Ships

  22 Copy quote

• Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Fire, Wife, Making Love

  15 Copy quote

• With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Doctors, Needs

  35 Copy quote

• My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Drinking, Doctors, Mirrors

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.88, Zondervan

  65 Copy quote

• My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Teacher, Son, Rivers

  35 Copy quote

• I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Window

  16 Copy quote

• Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Girl, Men, Dating

  37 Copy quote

• A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Girl, Home

  63 Copy quote

• I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Good Morning, Humor

  28 Copy quote

• I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Truth, Makeup, Men

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

  47 Copy quote

• We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dog, Play, Wife

  21 Copy quote

• My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  38 Copy quote

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