You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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