Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Quotes about:

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Beauty, Crazy

  1451 Copy quote

• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Pregnancy, Moving

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  94 Copy quote

• I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Science, Parent

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  36 Copy quote

• When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Beauty, Mother, Doctors

  20 Copy quote

• Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Clever, Smart

  70 Copy quote

• You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Mouths, Ugly, Sticks

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

  84 Copy quote

• I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
  rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
  at fractions.'

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Lovers, Scales

  29 Copy quote
• 

  A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Men, Guy, Wish

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.22, Zondervan

  69 Copy quote

• I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Morning, Sex

  70 Copy quote

• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Kids, Someday, Said

  26 Copy quote

• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Hate, Humorous

  "Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros". Book by Bob Fenster, 2005.

  93 Copy quote

• I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny Relationship, Wine, Men

  67 Copy quote

• I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Airports, Lucky, Ships

  21 Copy quote

• Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Fire, Wife, Making Love

  13 Copy quote

• With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Doctors, Needs

  34 Copy quote

• My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Drinking, Doctors, Mirrors

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.88, Zondervan

  64 Copy quote

• My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Teacher, Son, Rivers

  34 Copy quote

• Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Girl, Men, Dating

  36 Copy quote

• I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Window

  15 Copy quote

• My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  36 Copy quote

• I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Uncles, Stupid, House

  41 Copy quote

• A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Girl, Home

  62 Copy quote

• We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dog, Play, Wife

  20 Copy quote

• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Love, Funny, Life

  "Rodney Dangerfield" by Ronald Bergan, www.theguardian.com. October 6, 2004.

  44 Copy quote

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