I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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