Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dental Floss, Wife, Kitchen

  45 Copy quote

• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Love, Funny, Life

  "Rodney Dangerfield" by Ronald Bergan, www.theguardian.com. October 6, 2004.

  45 Copy quote

• I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Party, Drinking, Beer

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  15 Copy quote

• When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Kids, No Friends

  7 Copy quote

• Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Suicide, Humor

  19 Copy quote

• Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Two, Numbers, Trying

  29 Copy quote

• It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Dark, Army

  15 Copy quote

• I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Men

  17 Copy quote

• I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  37 Copy quote

• I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dog, Play, Parent

  17 Copy quote

• Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Girl, Two, Blind

  32 Copy quote

• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  127 Copy quote

• Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  About Yourself

  25 Copy quote

• I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Good Morning, Humor

  28 Copy quote

• I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Dating, Making Love

  24 Copy quote

• Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  30 Copy quote

• My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  19 Copy quote

• When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  30 Copy quote

• With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Men, Stranger

  42 Copy quote

• My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  14 Copy quote

• We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Black And White, Rainbow, Poor

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.64, Zondervan

  15 Copy quote

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  68 Copy quote

• ...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Naked, Bars

  18 Copy quote

• The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Fiction, Body, Shapes

  23 Copy quote

• I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Calendars

  23 Copy quote

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