I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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