I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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