For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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