Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 12

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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

Rodney Dangerfield

Bisexual, Years, Homosexuality

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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Fats

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I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Rodney Dangerfield

Girl, Dating, Parent

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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Eye

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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Halloween, Humor

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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Girl, Humor

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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.190, Zondervan

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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

Drinking, Zombie, Bartending

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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

Rodney Dangerfield

People, Phrases, Way

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.96, Zondervan

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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Girl, Home, Honey

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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dog, Sex, Mirrors

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I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Sex, Humor

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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

Rodney Dangerfield

Guy, Fortune Cookie, Cookies

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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Rodney Dangerfield

Kids, Dancer, Littles

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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dog, Ugly, Firsts

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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Relationship, Night, Phones

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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Suicide, Respect, Prevention

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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

Rodney Dangerfield

Mother, Respect, Kids

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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Girl, Humor

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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Mother, Humor

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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Beach, Sorry

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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex, Smoking, Cigarette

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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thinking, People, Southern

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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

Rodney Dangerfield

Girl, Respect, Dancer

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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Rodney Dangerfield

Baby, Lovely Lady, Wife

"Fictional character: Al Czervik". "Caddyshack", www.imdb.com. 1980.

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Born: November 22, 1921
Died: October 5, 2004
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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