When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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