Henny Youngman Quotes About Wife

Quotes about: Wife

• A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

  Henny Youngman

  Husband, Fall, Home

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Money, Wife

• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Two

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  Henny Youngman

  Anniversary, Husband, Inspiration

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

  Henny Youngman

  Love, Funny, Anniversary

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Cooking, Dresses

• A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

  Henny Youngman

  Nice, Men, Next Day

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

• I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Food, Humor

• My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

  Henny Youngman

  Weight Loss, Light, Wife

• My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

  Henny Youngman

  Beautiful, Wife, Political

• Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Awards, Wife

• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

  Henny Youngman

  Lakes, Water, Wife

• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

  Henny Youngman

  Sea, Wife, Funny Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

• My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Night

• A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Keys

• A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Yelling

• I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Years

• I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Italian

• My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• My wife has a black belt in shopping.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Shopping

• I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Home, Humor

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