Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Quotes about:

• 

  Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Success, Failure, Not Giving Up

  Reddit AMA, www.reddit.com. July 24, 2014.

  47 Copy quote

• Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Life, Sarcastic, Travel

  "Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time'". Documentary, Comedy, 1998.

  80 Copy quote

• When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  People, Listening, Needs

  4 Copy quote

• If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Dog, Humorous

  61 Copy quote
• 

  Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Birthday, Epic

  72 Copy quote
• 

  People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Hilarious, Lying, People

  57 Copy quote

• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Humor, Be Kind

  21 Copy quote

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

  31 Copy quote

• According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Motivational, Death

  107 Copy quote

• I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Rip, Roots, Hair

  20 Copy quote

• Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Maturity, Thinking, Doctors

  29 Copy quote

• Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Wise, Smart, Want

  "Why Jerry Seinfeld Doesn't Buy the 'Burden of Celebrity'". Interview with Scott Raab, www.esquire.com. May 22, 2014.

  9 Copy quote

• Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Travel, Car

  36 Copy quote

• You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Happy Birthday, Funny Birthday, Blow

  15 Copy quote

• I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Education, Humor, People

  14 Copy quote

• I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Clever, Reading, Thinking

  8 Copy quote

• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Music, Humorous

  18 Copy quote

• I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Wedding, Men, Ifs

  17 Copy quote

• I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Goodbye, Smell

  13 Copy quote

• Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down."

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Kids, Opposites, Waiting

  18 Copy quote

• Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Friendship, Dog

  24 Copy quote

• You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Distance, Way, Minutes

  8 Copy quote

• Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Couple, Coffee, Moving

  21 Copy quote

• A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Book, Reading, Learning

  21 Copy quote

• Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Witty, Want, Responsible

  28 Copy quote

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