Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Quotes about:

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  Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Success, Failure, Not Giving Up

  Reddit AMA, www.reddit.com. July 24, 2014.

  48 Copy quote

• When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  People, Listening, Needs

  4 Copy quote

• Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Life, Sarcastic, Travel

  "Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time'". Documentary, Comedy, 1998.

  81 Copy quote

• If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Dog, Humorous

  61 Copy quote

• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Humor, Be Kind

  21 Copy quote
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  Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Birthday, Epic

  72 Copy quote
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  People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Hilarious, Lying, People

  57 Copy quote

• According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Motivational, Death

  107 Copy quote

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

  31 Copy quote

• You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Inspirational, Fishes, Knows

  6 Copy quote

• Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Travel, Car

  36 Copy quote

• I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Rip, Roots, Hair

  20 Copy quote

• Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Maturity, Thinking, Doctors

  29 Copy quote

• You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Happy Birthday, Funny Birthday, Blow

  15 Copy quote

• I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Clever, Reading, Thinking

  8 Copy quote

• Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Wise, Smart, Want

  "Why Jerry Seinfeld Doesn't Buy the 'Burden of Celebrity'". Interview with Scott Raab, www.esquire.com. May 22, 2014.

  9 Copy quote

• I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Wedding, Men, Ifs

  17 Copy quote

• I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Education, Humor, People

  14 Copy quote

• Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Country, Winter

  4 Copy quote

• You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Distance, Way, Minutes

  8 Copy quote

• Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Friendship, Dog

  24 Copy quote

• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Music, Humorous

  18 Copy quote

• Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  People

  8 Copy quote

• Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Witty, Want, Responsible

  28 Copy quote

• Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Love, Relationship, Moving

  "Jerry Seinfeld: Heard the one about the reunion?". Interview with Stephen Armstrong, www.theguardian.com. October 12, 2009.

  17 Copy quote

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