David Letterman Quotes

Quotes about:

• They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

  David Letterman

  Country, Native American, Numbers

  62 Copy quote

• Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

  David Letterman

  Halloween, Kids, Giving

  5 Copy quote

• BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

  David Letterman

  Oil, Bird, Oil Spill

  24 Copy quote

• America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

  David Letterman

  Inspirational, Country, Witty

  39 Copy quote

• You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

  David Letterman

  Weed, Memories, Loss

  7 Copy quote

• Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Purpose

  36 Copy quote

• The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

  David Letterman

  4th Of July, Two, Alcohol

  28 Copy quote

• It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing — yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.

  David Letterman

  New York, Autumn, Color

  4 Copy quote

• I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

  David Letterman

  Christmas, Running, Shopping

  57 Copy quote

• I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

  David Letterman

  Doe, Found, Incapable

  9 Copy quote

• Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.

  David Letterman

  Use, Bedroom

  5 Copy quote

• You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

  David Letterman

  Baseball, Dog, Love Is

  4 Copy quote

• Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

  David Letterman

  Military, War, Gay

  4 Copy quote

• I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

  David Letterman

  Environmentalist, Recycled, Jokes

  4 Copy quote

• You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

  David Letterman

  Nudists, Pants

  29 Copy quote

• The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

  David Letterman

  War, Japan, World

  20 Copy quote

• USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Math, Science

  10 Copy quote

• The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

  David Letterman

  Children, Catholic, Church

  9 Copy quote

• People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

  David Letterman

  Inspirational, Two, People

  19 Copy quote

• Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Dog, Travel

  10 Copy quote

• I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

  David Letterman

  Two, Film, Should

  56 Copy quote

• If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

  David Letterman

  Coffee, Personality, Ifs

  13 Copy quote

• There is no off position on the genius switch.

  David Letterman

  Genius, Comedy, Position

  "Late Show with David Letterman", www.imdb.com. 1993 - 2015.

  25 Copy quote

• Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

  David Letterman

  Writing, Two, Needs

  13 Copy quote

• Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'

  David Letterman

  Waiting, President, Half

  23 Copy quote

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