David Letterman Quotes About Clinton

Quotes about: Clinton

• Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

  David Letterman

  Running, Dream, New York

• Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

  David Letterman

  Black, Sun, Size

• We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

  David Letterman

  Father, Night, Thinking

• Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.

  David Letterman

  Jobs, Iowa, People

• We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

  David Letterman

  Fun, Years, Guy

• Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!

  David Letterman

  Coffee, Loser, Clinton

• Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.

  David Letterman

  Mother, Team, Talking

• Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.

  David Letterman

  Iowa, People, Driving

• Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.

  David Letterman

  Book, Thinking, Might

• Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

  David Letterman

  Girl, Running, Baby

• A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

  David Letterman

  Jobs, Thinking, People

• Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

  David Letterman

  Running, Promise, President

• Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.

  David Letterman

  Monday, Couple, Gay

• Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

  David Letterman

  Yoga, Night, President

• This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

  David Letterman

  Email, Viagra, Scandal

• Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".

  David Letterman

  Names, Yesterday, Decision

• Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here.

  David Letterman

  Running, Wife, President

• The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

  David Letterman

  Couple, Confused, Crazy

• Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.

  David Letterman

  Mother, Moving, Thinking

• There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.

  David Letterman

  Mail, Scandal, Kind

• Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'

  David Letterman

  Rip, President, Republican

• We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

  David Letterman

  Apology, Working Very Hard, Secret

• Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

  David Letterman

  Years, Earth Day, Example

• Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at hillary@pantsuit.com.

  David Letterman

  Apples, Secret, Email

• Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

  David Letterman

  Congratulations, War, Wedding Anniversary

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