David Letterman Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, New York

  "Late Show with David Letterman",

• Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Purpose

• Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

  David Letterman

  Funny, War, Humorous

  "Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

• I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Dance, Witty

• Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Iraq

• Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Travel, Land

• Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sex, Animal

• Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Dog, Travel

• The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Writing

• They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

  David Letterman

  Funny, Dog, Screw Ups

• Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Eye

• My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Retirement, Plans

• The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Country, Winning

• The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Son, Night

• Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Father, Team

• New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

  David Letterman

  Funny, New York, Fall

• Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

  David Letterman

  Funny, New York, Humor

  David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

• The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Humor, Association

• Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

  David Letterman

  Funny, Horse, Stars

• How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Running, New York

• USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Math, Science

• Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Night

• An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
  Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
  new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Humor, Fields

  David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

• According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
  live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
  in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
  Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

  David Letterman

  Funny, New York, Humor

• Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

  David Letterman

  Funny, New York, Humor

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