David Letterman Quotes About Today

Quotes about: Today

• It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

  David Letterman

  New York, Cities, Liberty

• Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

  David Letterman

  Funny, War, Humorous

  "Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

• Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

  David Letterman

  Guy, Presidential, Today

• Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun

  David Letterman

  Fighting, President, Matter

• Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"

  David Letterman

  Marriage, Husband, World

• The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

  David Letterman

  Funeral, Confusing, Alive

• USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Math, Science

• Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

  David Letterman

  Kings, Years, Waiting

• Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

  David Letterman

  New York, Sorry, Cities

• The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.

  David Letterman

  Russian Economy, Invasion, Today

• Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

  David Letterman

  New York, Rats, Today

• At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

  David Letterman

  White, House, Trying

• Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

  David Letterman

  Naughty, Santa, Today

• God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.

  David Letterman

  Thinking, Ears, May

• Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.

  David Letterman

  Monday, Couple, Gay

• Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?

  David Letterman

  Couple, Kids, Idols

• Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

  David Letterman

  Years, Earth Day, Example

• Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!

  David Letterman

  Writing, Night, Guy

• The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

  David Letterman

  Mean, Years, Iraq

• I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

  David Letterman

  New York, Disappointment, Cities

• I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

  David Letterman

  Mom, Tonight, Today

  "Fallon replaces Leno on 'Tonight Show,' but the joke's on Letterman" by Ed Payne and Bree Hare, www.cnn.com. April 4, 2013.

• Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

  David Letterman

  Trying, Today, Sitting

• Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

  David Letterman

  Years, Machines, Today

• I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.

  David Letterman

  Differences, Together, News

• Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

  David Letterman

  Information, Today, Ministers

Page 1 of 2

← Prev

1

2

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin