Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 6

Quotes about:

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

Funny, Horse, Humor

18 Copy quote
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Henny Youngman

Marriage, Faces, Comedy

10 Copy quote
My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Shopping

15 Copy quote
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Insult

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

9 Copy quote
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

Henny Youngman

Men, Doors, Want

8 Copy quote
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

9 Copy quote
I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Henny Youngman

Religion, Coward, Accounts

7 Copy quote
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Henny Youngman

Funny, Home, Humor

14 Copy quote
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Doctors

7 Copy quote
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Keys

5 Copy quote
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Mother, Jobs

35 Copy quote
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

8 Copy quote
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Rooms

Henny Youngman, Neal Karlen (1992). “Take my life, please!”, Thorndike Pr

6 Copy quote
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

Wife, Cooking, Dresses

10 Copy quote
We aim to please... You aim too, please.

Henny Youngman

God, Stupidity, Aim

15 Copy quote
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Henny Youngman

Believe, Alive, Reincarnation

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

6 Copy quote
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Henny Youngman

Teacher, Teaching, Men

10 Copy quote
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Doctors

8 Copy quote
This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Men

16 Copy quote
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Book, Reading

6 Copy quote
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Henny Youngman

Christmas, Waiting, Wonderful

9 Copy quote
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Sexy, Confused

5 Copy quote
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Easter, Humor

8 Copy quote
What is a home without children? Quiet.

Henny Youngman

Baby, Children, Silly

Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

10 Copy quote
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

Henny Youngman

Funny, Humor, Golf

8 Copy quote

You May Also Like:

Rodney Dangerfield

Henny Youngman

Follow

Born: March 16, 1906
Died: February 24, 1998
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

Popular Topics