Steven Wright Quotes - Page 11

Quotes about:

• If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Ice, Swim

  6 Copy quote

• Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

  Steven Wright

  Zero, Math, Black

  35 Copy quote

• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  17 Copy quote

• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friends, Humor

  22 Copy quote

• I had amnesia once or twice.

  Steven Wright

  Amnesia

  11 Copy quote

• One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  4 Copy quote

• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friendship, Taken

  12 Copy quote

• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Years

  19 Copy quote

• I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

  Steven Wright

  Trying, Shy, Lines

  31 Copy quote

• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  57 Copy quote

• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Car

  85 Copy quote

• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Jobs, Book

  10 Copy quote

• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Power

  11 Copy quote

• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Fall, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thickness

  19 Copy quote

• Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Beer

  14 Copy quote

• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Agents

  10 Copy quote

• It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

  Steven Wright

  Confused, Confusion, Bird

  25 Copy quote

• I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Suicide, Writing

  17 Copy quote

• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Computer

  9 Copy quote

• I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

  Steven Wright

  Photography, Cameras, Needs

  14 Copy quote

• Sometimes I... No, I don't.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Sometimes

  15 Copy quote

• The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  6 Copy quote

• Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  11 Copy quote

• I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

  Steven Wright

  Car, Comedian, Sound

  5 Copy quote

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