Steven Wright Quotes - Page 14

Quotes about:

• I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Coats

  6 Copy quote

• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Products

  7 Copy quote

• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  14 Copy quote

• The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Watches

  5 Copy quote

• Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Mirrors

  5 Copy quote

• Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

  Steven Wright

  Ideas, Giving, Jokes

  10 Copy quote

• Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

  Steven Wright

  Real, Might, Holograms

  13 Copy quote

• I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Art, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  13 Copy quote

• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Trying

  7 Copy quote

• I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

  Steven Wright

  Art, Guitar, Drawing

  13 Copy quote

• You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Book, Fall

  4 Copy quote

• I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

  Steven Wright

  Teacher, School, Class

  16 Copy quote

• I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

  Steven Wright

  Land, Pieces, Property

  15 Copy quote

• I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Degrees

  13 Copy quote

• I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

  4 Copy quote

• I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

  Steven Wright

  Dream, Night, Watches

  7 Copy quote

• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Research

  10 Copy quote

• I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

  Steven Wright

  Teaching, Thinking, Mirrors

  13 Copy quote

• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Witty, Humorous

  15 Copy quote

• Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

  Steven Wright

  Honor, Mind, Parks

  11 Copy quote

• It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Writing, Gears

  14 Copy quote

• I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Dog, Moving

  5 Copy quote

• Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

  Steven Wright

  Wish, Bed, Lasts

  11 Copy quote

Page 14 of 22

First

← Prev

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin