Steven Wright Quotes About House

Quotes about: House

• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

• Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

  Steven Wright

  Night, Gambling, People

• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

• I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

  Steven Wright

  Mirrors, House, Tape

• My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

• I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

• My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friendship, Wall

• Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Running

• All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Wall, Real

• In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

• One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Kids

• I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

  Steven Wright

  Awards, Tv Shows, Giving

• I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Justice

• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

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