Steven Wright Quotes About Cars

Quotes about: Cars

• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Moving, Humor

• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friends, Humor

• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Car

• A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

  Steven Wright

  Feet, Car, Wheels

• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Play

• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

• I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

  Steven Wright

  Children, Keys, Two

• One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

• I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

  Steven Wright

  Science, Car, Looks

• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

  Steven Wright

  Communication, Home, Car

• I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Car

• I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

  Steven Wright

  Keys, Car, Break Out

• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Play

• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Real, Humor

• Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Yesterday

• For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

  Steven Wright

  Running, Justice, Car

• I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

  Steven Wright

  Car, Comedian, Sound

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