Steven Wright Quotes - Page 17

Quotes about:

• Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

  Steven Wright

  Running, Ice, Ponds

  7 Copy quote

• You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

  Steven Wright

  Branches, Twigs, Spit

  9 Copy quote

• I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

  Steven Wright

  Tired, People, Saws

  4 Copy quote

• I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

  Steven Wright

  Awards, Tv Shows, Giving

  16 Copy quote

• Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

  Steven Wright

  Moving, Tired, Idiot

  7 Copy quote

• The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Confused, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

  Steven Wright

  Women, Ems, True Lies

  7 Copy quote

• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Gone

  25 Copy quote

• I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

  Steven Wright

  Want, Wonder, Selling

  10 Copy quote

• I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Fun, Justice

  7 Copy quote

• When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Thinking, Years

  9 Copy quote

• I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Way

  7 Copy quote

• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Music, Song

  4 Copy quote

• In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

  Steven Wright

  Hard Work, Successful, Way

  10 Copy quote

• I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

  Steven Wright

  Dream, Baby, Mad

  4 Copy quote

• When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

  Steven Wright

  Snakes, Owning A Pet, Adorable

  5 Copy quote

• I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

  Steven Wright

  Humorous, School, College

  16 Copy quote

• I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hate, Fall

  5 Copy quote

• I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

  Steven Wright

  Changed, I Haven't Changed, Havens

  7 Copy quote

• I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

  Steven Wright

  Mcdonalds, Ideas, Expansion

  5 Copy quote

• Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

  Steven Wright

  People, Laughing, Four

  6 Copy quote

• Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Country, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Phones

  15 Copy quote

• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Dollars

  4 Copy quote

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