Steven Wright Quotes - Page 12

Quotes about:

• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Inspiration, Writing

  7 Copy quote

• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Nature, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Arrested

  5 Copy quote

• I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

  Steven Wright

  Narrators, Used, Mime

  4 Copy quote

• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

  Steven Wright

  Doors, Justice, Garage

  5 Copy quote

• A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Friendship, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• What a nice night for an evening.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Nice, Humor

  19 Copy quote

• The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

  Steven Wright

  Years, People, Information

  8 Copy quote

• Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

  Steven Wright

  Sacrifice, Ice Cream, Years

  20 Copy quote

• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

  Steven Wright

  Drug, May, Routes

  5 Copy quote

• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Science, Theory Of Evolution

  30 Copy quote

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

  Steven Wright

  Sarcastic, Hurt, Feels

  4 Copy quote

• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  64 Copy quote

• My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Birthday, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Snakes

  13 Copy quote

• The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Beautiful, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  4 Copy quote

• A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

  Steven Wright

  Feet, Car, Wheels

  5 Copy quote

• I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

  Steven Wright

  Home, Air, Understanding

  10 Copy quote

• A fool and his money are soon partying.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Party

  9 Copy quote

• It's a fine night to have an evening.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  4 Copy quote

• One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Clerks

  4 Copy quote

• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Christmas, Brother

  10 Copy quote

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