I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: