Steven Wright Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Severity

  22 Copy quote

• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Looks

  18 Copy quote

• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  12 Copy quote

• If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  18 Copy quote

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Glue

  21 Copy quote

• I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Pet, Gone

  17 Copy quote

• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  24 Copy quote

• Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Couple, Mistake

  11 Copy quote

• My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

  Steven Wright

  Nephew, Doe, Attention

  45 Copy quote

• If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

  Steven Wright

  Reflection, Mirrors, Hair

  15 Copy quote

• I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

  Steven Wright

  Home, Energy, Pay

  6 Copy quote

• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Life, Thinking

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  26 Copy quote
• 

  I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Food, Coffee

  95 Copy quote

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Bird

  13 Copy quote

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Territory, Lost

  24 Copy quote

• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Paramedics

  15 Copy quote

• If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

  Steven Wright

  Home, Heaven, Energy

  21 Copy quote

• I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Limits

  35 Copy quote

• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Bags

  16 Copy quote

• I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Husband, Humor

  41 Copy quote

• Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

  Steven Wright

  Cat, Half, Half Life

  12 Copy quote

• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Preparation

  11 Copy quote

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Clever, Business

  81 Copy quote

• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Healing, Humor

  11 Copy quote

• When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

  Steven Wright

  Mother, Sleep, Night

  11 Copy quote

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