Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

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• People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Fun, People, Retarded

  Twitter post from Jul 27, 2010

  246 Copy quote

• My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Upset, Cry

  264 Copy quote

• My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Kings, Bird

  237 Copy quote

• I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, School, Humor

  255 Copy quote

• When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Mom, Brother

  246 Copy quote

• Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  246 Copy quote

• About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Kids, Who Cares, Months

  246 Copy quote

• My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Religious, Girlfriend, Wall

  234 Copy quote

• My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Sex, Believe

  Twitter post from Sep 27, 2010

  224 Copy quote

• The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Laughter, World, Care

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  235 Copy quote

• Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  226 Copy quote

• I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Email, Comfort, Aids

  Twitter post from Jan 30, 2010

  190 Copy quote

• My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Addiction, Car

  "Anthony Jeselnik: The Dark Prince Of Comedy". "Ask Me Another" with Ophira Eisenberg, www.npr.org. August 14, 2014.

  226 Copy quote

• My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Dad, Home, Hard Times

  211 Copy quote

• I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girl, Abortion, Lollipop

  Twitter post from Jan 26, 2011

  123 Copy quote

• You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Hands, Years, Assault Weapons

  209 Copy quote

• Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Baseball, Rumor, Together

  194 Copy quote

• My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Mom, Couple

  148 Copy quote

• I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Suicidal, Kids, Long

  136 Copy quote

• I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Hate, Night

  170 Copy quote

• When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Cat, Glasses, Guy

  Twitter post from Dec 28, 2010

  66 Copy quote

• Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girl, Sex, Smart

  187 Copy quote

• I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Religious, Atheist

  122 Copy quote

• I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Tattoo, Want, Irony

  Twitter post from Sep 16, 2010

  30 Copy quote

• My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Cute, Baby

  175 Copy quote

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