Anthony Jeselnik Quotes About Girlfriends

Quotes about: Girlfriends

• My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

• This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Xbox, Funny Christmas

• I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

• Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Baby, Girlfriend, Home

• I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, My Girlfriend, Worried

  Twitter post from Mar 14, 2010

• My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Addiction, Car

  "Anthony Jeselnik: The Dark Prince Of Comedy". "Ask Me Another" with Ophira Eisenberg, www.npr.org. August 14, 2014.

• My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Sex, Believe

  Twitter post from Sep 27, 2010

• My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Religious, Girlfriend, Wall

• She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Mom, Mother

• A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girlfriend, Couple

• My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  Twitter post from Nov 14, 2009

• My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Mom, Girlfriend, Brother

  Twitter post from Sep 25, 2010

• My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Baby, Girlfriend, Body

  Twitter post from Aug 30, 2010

• My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Upset, Cry

• I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Hate, Night

• My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Kings, Bird

• My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Sex, Complaining

  Twitter post from Aug 20, 2010

• My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Men, Want

  Twitter post from Sep 30, 2010

• I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Yelling, Trying

  Twitter post from Mar 06, 2010

• I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Lying, Guy

• When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Dinner, Restaurants

  Twitter post from Jan 19, 2011

• I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Yesterday, Subway

  Twitter post from Dec 22, 2009

• Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Dad, Writing

  "Comedian Anthony Jeselnik: “He’s The Best!” -Everybody". Interview With David Dean, www.serialoptimist.com. November 29, 2010.

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