Amy Schumer Quotes

Quotes about:

• You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

  Amy Schumer

  Drinking, Drunk, Wow

  45 Copy quote

• We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

  Amy Schumer

  Funny, Kids, Different

  50 Copy quote

• I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

  Amy Schumer

  Crush, School, Years

  24 Copy quote

• The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.

  Amy Schumer

  Laughing, Way, Moments

  "Amy Schumer: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 14, 2015.

  4 Copy quote

• I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

  Amy Schumer

  Drinking, Mean, Two

  28 Copy quote

• I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.

  Amy Schumer

  Beautiful, Laughing, Empowering

  Source: www.glamour.com

  9 Copy quote

• Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

  Amy Schumer

  Inspirational, Funny, Pilates

  24 Copy quote

• I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

  Amy Schumer

  Beautiful, Strong, Inspiration

  Amy Schumer (2016). “The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo”, p.120, Simon and Schuster

  17 Copy quote

• Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.

  Amy Schumer

  Dresses, Matter, Boundaries

  Source: www.avclub.com

  19 Copy quote

• I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, 'All right! You got it. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I'll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.' But then I think, F*** that ... I am a woman with thoughts and questions and s*** to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

  Amy Schumer

  Beautiful, Strong, Fun

  Speech About Confidence at the Gloria Awards and Gala, www.vulture.com. May 2, 2014.

  17 Copy quote

• Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

  Amy Schumer

  Funny, Thinking, Comedy

  23 Copy quote

• You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.

  Amy Schumer

  Parent, Black, Knows

  Twitter post from Oct 27, 2009

  4 Copy quote

• You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.

  Amy Schumer

  Honesty, Fun, Use

  12 Copy quote

• I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.

  Amy Schumer

  Shoes, Ideas, Guy

  18 Copy quote

• I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.

  Amy Schumer

  Thinking, Good Person, Terrible

  "Play Ball! Comedian Amy Schumer Plays Not My Job". "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" with Peter Sagal, www.npr.org. April 4, 2014.

  9 Copy quote

• My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.

  Amy Schumer

  Mom, Daughter, Believe

  14 Copy quote

• She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

  Amy Schumer

  Mean, Who Cares, Dresses

  15 Copy quote

• It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?

  Amy Schumer

  Congratulations, Age, Needs

  5 Copy quote

• I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.

  Amy Schumer

  War, Cancer, People

  Source: www.esquire.com

  13 Copy quote

• He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

  Amy Schumer

  Family, Weekend, Wife

  6 Copy quote

• I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

  Amy Schumer

  Uncles, Hate, Love You

  12 Copy quote

• To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.

  Amy Schumer

  Mean, Men, People

  "Amy Schumer Answers Your Questions About Sex, Comedy, and Feminism". Q&A with Readers, jezebel.com. April 29, 2014.

  9 Copy quote

• The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.

  Amy Schumer

  Girl, Drug, Vomiting

  8 Copy quote

• I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

  Amy Schumer

  Blood, Tests, Today

  7 Copy quote

• My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.

  Amy Schumer

  Mom, Smart, Wish

  7 Copy quote

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