Jim Norton Quotes

Quotes about:

• While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Forgiveness, Humorous

  Jim Norton (2008). “I Hate Your Guts”, p.158, Simon and Schuster

  65 Copy quote

• And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Running, Children

  49 Copy quote

• What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Horse, Humor

  36 Copy quote

• I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

  Jim Norton

  People, Want, Embarrassed

  Source: www.huffingtonpost.com

  41 Copy quote

• The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

  Jim Norton

  People, Darkness, Needs

  45 Copy quote

• Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

  Jim Norton

  Art, Thinking, Museums

  31 Copy quote

• What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.

  Jim Norton

  Cat, House, Guy

  42 Copy quote

• I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Wish

  23 Copy quote

• Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Clothes

  18 Copy quote

• People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

  Jim Norton

  Thinking, People, Laughing

  Source: www.huffingtonpost.com

  26 Copy quote

• That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Interesting

  12 Copy quote

• I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Baby, Humor

  21 Copy quote

• God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, New Year, Hate

  23 Copy quote

• That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Looks

  11 Copy quote

• I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Running, Humor

  20 Copy quote

• God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

  Jim Norton

  Kids, Night, Funny Marriage

  18 Copy quote

• They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Cartoon

  27 Copy quote

• You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

  Jim Norton

  Looks, Clubs, Owners

  "Anthony Bourdain Roast: Star Gets Bashed By Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri And More At New York Wine & Food Festival (NSFW)" by Carey Polis, www.huffingtonpost.com. October 12, 2012.

  11 Copy quote

• I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Picnics

  "How To Be A Comedian" by James Altucher, www.businessinsider.com. July 24, 2011.

  8 Copy quote

• I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Rubber

  16 Copy quote

• I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Magic

  12 Copy quote

• People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.

  Jim Norton

  Selfish, People, Faults

  29 Copy quote

• It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.

  Jim Norton

  Country, Fall, Thinking

  20 Copy quote

• There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Tragedy

  10 Copy quote

• My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

  Jim Norton

  Struggle, Trying, Existence

  7 Copy quote

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