Jim Norton Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Periods

  7 Copy quote

• My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

  Jim Norton

  Struggle, Trying, Existence

  7 Copy quote

• You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Cracks

  9 Copy quote

• Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Silly, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

  Jim Norton

  Sorry, Dark, Apology

  10 Copy quote

• You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

  Jim Norton

  Badass, Guy, Couscous

  "Anthony Bourdain Roast: Star Gets Bashed By Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri And More At New York Wine & Food Festival (NSFW)" by Carey Polis, www.huffingtonpost.com. October 12, 2012.

  7 Copy quote

• The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

  Jim Norton

  Needs, Pits, Deeper

  "Why the Funniest People Are Sometimes the Saddest" by Jim Norton, time.com. August 12, 2014.

  12 Copy quote

• Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

  Jim Norton

  Looks, Chef, Homeless

  13 Copy quote

• From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

  Jim Norton

  Real, Penn State, Helping

  Twitter post from Jan 22, 2012

  8 Copy quote

• I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

  Jim Norton

  New York, Appreciate, Guy

  8 Copy quote

• People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.

  Jim Norton

  People, Mind, Negative

  Source: www.huffingtonpost.com

  7 Copy quote

• People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.

  Jim Norton

  Thinking, People, Laughing

  Source: www.huffingtonpost.com

  7 Copy quote

• What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, College

  5 Copy quote

• The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

  Jim Norton

  Interesting, Information, Restraint

  8 Copy quote

• My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

  Jim Norton

  Country, Jobs, Hate

  Source: www.huffingtonpost.com

  5 Copy quote

• I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Rifles

  4 Copy quote

• I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Hate, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

  Jim Norton

  Boston, Jersey, Cleveland

  4 Copy quote

• You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Grateful, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

  Jim Norton

  Mean, Voice, People

  Source: www.huffingtonpost.com

  4 Copy quote

• I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Humor, Aids

  4 Copy quote

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