Funny Christmas Quotes

• Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.

  Helen Steiner Rice

  Christmas, Xmas, Earth

  Ronald Pollitt, Helen Steiner Rice, Virginia Wiltse (1998). “Helen Steiner Rice - The Healing Touch: Poems, Letters and Life Stories”, Fleming H Revell Company

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• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Wise

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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  Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

  Washington Irving

  Christmas, Thank You, Heart

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• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

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• One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Christmas, Drinking

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• There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

  Erma Bombeck

  Christmas, Spiritual, Morning

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.260, Open Road Media

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• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christmas, Girl

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• Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

  Kin Hubbard

  Funny, Christmas, Xmas

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• Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Christmas, Witty

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• Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

  Kin Hubbard

  Christmas, Children, Mean

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• At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

  Thomas Tusser

  Christmas, Xmas, Cheer

  Five Hundred Pointes of Good Husbandrie (1580)

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• Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

  Gary Allan

  Christmas, Journey, Naughty

  Song: Let's Be Naughty

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• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

  Publilius Syrus

  Women, Believe, Christmas Wishes

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• I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

  Bernard Manning

  Funny, Birthday, Christmas

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• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

  Johnny Carson

  Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic

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• Roses are reddish
  Violets are bluish
  If it weren't for Christmas
  We'd all be Jewish.

  Benny Hill

  Christmas, Reality, Rose

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• Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

  Arlo Guthrie

  Funny, Christmas, Hair

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• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

  Bob Phillips

  Funny, Christmas, Dad

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• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

  Shirley Temple

  Funny, Christmas, Mother

  Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

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• I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

  Dick Gregory

  Christmas, Dark, White

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• My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

  Bob Hope

  Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

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• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Christmas, Brother

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• Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

  Calvin Coolidge

  Christmas, Xmas, Real

  "Chicken soup for the soul Christmas treasury for kids" by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Hansen, Irene Dunlap, HCI, (p. 1), 2002.

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• Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Christmas, Religious

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 23, 2012

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• Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

  W. C. Fields

  Christmas, Funny Life, Drinking

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