Funny Christmas Quotes - Page 5

• No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

  Erma Bombeck

  Mother, Running, Holiday

  7 Copy quote

• I truly believe that if we keep telling the Christmas story, singing the Christmas songs, and living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world.

  Norman Vincent Peale

  Christmas, Song, Xmas

  Norman Vincent Peale (1994). “Norman Vincent Peale: Words That Inspired Him”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

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• Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

  Andy Borowitz

  Sweaters, Helping, Cute Christmas

  7 Copy quote

• There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

  Conan O'Brien

  Christmas, Mean, Shopping

  4 Copy quote

• There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections, traditions.

  Bill McKibben

  Christmas, Holiday, Reflection

  "Hundred Dollar Holiday: The Case For a More Joyful Christmas". Book by Bill McKibben, 1998.

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• Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.

  Larry Wilde

  Christmas, Running, People

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• This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Xbox, Past

  133 Copy quote

• I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Jesus, Party

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• I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Christmas, Jesus

  14 Copy quote

• I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

  Winston Spear

  Funny, Nice, Taken

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• All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey, we're not Jews.'

  Rich Vos

  Funny, Christmas, New Year

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• Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

  Andy Borowitz

  Littles, Celebrate, Caught

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• I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it's a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands.

  Gina Gershon

  Christmas, Kids, Islands

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• My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

  Dave Barry

  Giving, Wife, Batteries

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• We have a small, tight family. I left home at a young age and the best thing for me was to go home at Christmas-time and spend time with my family and friends. It's kind of funny, most people do turkey and all the trimmings, but we would have a big seafood festival because it's the only time of the year that we'd eat it. We never really went caroling, but once in a while we'd got out for a sleigh ride

  Jimmy Roy

  Home, Years, Turkeys

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