Andy Borowitz Quotes

Quotes about:

• Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

  Andy Borowitz

  Gun, Thinking, Medicine

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jun 28, 2012

  72 Copy quote

• The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Baby, Jesus

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 13, 2012

  71 Copy quote

• Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Technology, People

  26 Copy quote

• I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Technology, People

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Feb 05, 2012

  74 Copy quote

• As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Believe, Stupid People

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 06, 2012

  92 Copy quote

• Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Crazy, Gun

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 18, 2012

  65 Copy quote

• If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

  Andy Borowitz

  Party, Pro Life, Republican

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Sep 21, 2011

  57 Copy quote

• Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

  Andy Borowitz

  Country, Care, Tvs

  73 Copy quote

• Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Cat, Technology

  32 Copy quote

• It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Money, Nice

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012

  78 Copy quote

• The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

  Andy Borowitz

  War, Thinking, Oil

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 13, 2012

  55 Copy quote

• Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Technology, Men

  20 Copy quote

• It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

  Andy Borowitz

  Witty, Technology, People

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Feb 25, 2012

  41 Copy quote

• If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

  Andy Borowitz

  Writing, Mark, Huckleberry

  43 Copy quote

• The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.

  Andy Borowitz

  Real, Two, Fake

  Source: www.npr.org

  19 Copy quote

• Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

  Andy Borowitz

  Ideas, Looks, Soap

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Feb 11, 2012

  24 Copy quote

• Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

  Andy Borowitz

  Gun, Dreamer, Wish

  9 Copy quote

• Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

  Andy Borowitz

  War, Eight, Years

  36 Copy quote

• Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

  Andy Borowitz

  Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Made

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Aug 29, 2011

  16 Copy quote

• Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Usa, Comedian

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 18, 2012

  42 Copy quote

• A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

  Andy Borowitz

  Dog, Gay, Sick

  28 Copy quote

• Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

  Andy Borowitz

  Baby, Funny Christmas, Cute Christmas

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Nov 27, 2012

  13 Copy quote

• Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

  Andy Borowitz

  Dumb, Said, Idiotic

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Sep 18, 2012

  38 Copy quote

• The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny Life, Life Is, Now And Then

  36 Copy quote

• The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.

  Andy Borowitz

  Years, Two, Long

  "In Landmark Decision, Supreme Court Strikes Down Main Reason Country Was Started". Satire from The Borowitz Report, www.newyorker.com. May 05, 2014.

  20 Copy quote

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