Funny Life Quotes

• There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

  Lawrence Welk

  Good Day, Bad Day, Parental

  "Emmy, Vol. 9", published by Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, 1987.

  21 Copy quote

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• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Motivational, Witty

  122 Copy quote

• To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

  Janet Coleman

  Funny, Hate, Errors

  86 Copy quote

• A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

  Oliver Herford

  Funny, Sarcastic, Laughter

  269 Copy quote

• I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.

  Tom Wilson

  Worry, Anxiety, Trying

  47 Copy quote

• Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Graduation, Wise

  "Mark Twain, selected writings of an American skeptic". Book by Mark Twain, 1983.

  176 Copy quote

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• Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

  Charles M. Schulz

  Love, Funny, Inspiring

  74 Copy quote
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  I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

  Lauryn Hill

  Self Esteem, Color, One Day

  218 Copy quote
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  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Death, Hilarious

  2389 Copy quote

• Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

  Oprah Winfrey

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  419 Copy quote
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  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

  837 Copy quote

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• It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

  Andy Rooney

  Ideas, Long, Age

  22 Copy quote

• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

  Margaret Mead

  Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring

  263 Copy quote
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  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

  Lucille Ball

  Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

  181 Copy quote
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  I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Funny, Encouraging

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  722 Copy quote

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• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

  37 Copy quote

• We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

  W. H. Auden

  Inspirational, Funny, Helping Others

  W H Auden (1981). “Antæus”, Ecco Press

  127 Copy quote

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• Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

  Doug Larson

  Inspirational, Wise, Wisdom

  266 Copy quote
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  The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

  Frank Zappa

  Important, Life Is, Things To Do

  "The Howard Stern Show", 1987.

  279 Copy quote

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• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Humor

  20 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  431 Copy quote

• So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

  Russell Conwell

  Smile, Funny Inspirational, Epidemics

  34 Copy quote

• I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

  William Shakespeare

  Sarcastic, Witty, Imagination

  346 Copy quote

• All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

  Casey Stengel

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

  75 Copy quote

• The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

  Erma Bombeck

  Hilarious, Food, Odds

  70 Copy quote