Funny Life Quotes - Page 6

• An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.

  Herbert Samuel, 1st Viscount Samuel

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

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• It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

  Jill Shalvis

  Answers, Funny Aging, Frustrating

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• Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

  Bertrand Russell

  Funny, Life, Competition

  Bertrand Russell (2002). “The Selected Letters of Bertrand Russell: The Public Years, 1914-1970”, p.215, Psychology Press

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• Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.

  Douglas Adams

  Funny, Life, Orange

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  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Life, Drinking

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• Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

  Christopher Isherwood

  Funny, Life, Witty

  Christopher Isherwood (1987). “The Wishing Tree: Christopher Isherwood on Mystical Religion”, Vedanta Press

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  Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

  Mel Brooks

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  "The 2,000 Year Old Man". Animation, Comedy, 1975.

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• Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

  Stephen Hawking

  Funny, Life, Science

  "The Science of Second-Guessing". Interview with Deborah Solomon, www.nytimes.com. December 12, 2004.

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• Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries.

  Everett Dirksen

  Inspirational, Life, Change

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• The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

  John Barrymore

  Life, Beautiful, Littles

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

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• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Art

  2000 In The Guardian, 31Dec.

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  I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

  Ron White

  Silent, Funny Bumper Sticker, Ability

  "I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability". Book by Ron White, June 6, 2006.

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• For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.

  Clifton Fadiman

  Life, Men, Finding Yourself

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  Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

  Truman Capote

  Life, Birthday, Humorous

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• Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.

  Christopher Morley

  Life, Travel, Men

  Thunder on the Left ch. 14 (1925)

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• Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.

  Shunryu Suzuki

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

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• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

  Woody Allen

  Death, Depressing, Loneliness

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• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

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• A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Friendship, Laughter

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• A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

  Bob Hope

  Love, Funny, Hope

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• Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.

  David Levithan

  Funny Love, Elevators, Stairs

  Rachel Cohn, David Levithan (2014). “Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List”, p.124, Egmont UK

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• I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Hate, Humorous

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• If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Life, Strong Women

  Time Magazine (1984), later quoted in Jonathon Lazear and Wendy Lazear "Meditations for Parents Who Do Too Much" (p. 22), 1993.

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• Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.

  Rex W. Tillerson

  Remember, Inches, Kicks

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• Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.

  Cathy Guisewite

  World, Materials, My Own

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