Funny Life Quotes - Page 7

• I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

  Winston Churchill

  Funny, Death, Witty

  Quoted in L.A. Times, 28 Nov. 1954

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• God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

  Bill Watterson

  Motivational, Accomplish Nothing, Numbers

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• Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

  Robert Bloch

  Funny, Hilarious, Humor

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• You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

  Douglas Adams

  Wise, Short Life, Learning

  Douglas Adams (2012). “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: The Trilogy of Five”, p.716, Pan Macmillan

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• Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.

  Norman Vincent Peale

  Baby, Keeping Promises, Broken Promises

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• A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

  Walter Bagehot

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  Walter Bagehot (1858). “Estimates of Some Englishmen and Scotchmen”, p.272

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• He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

  Joseph Heller

  Retirement, Farewell, Forever

  Catch-22 ch. 3 (1961)

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• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Positive, Success

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• Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Time, Adversity, Ice Cream

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  I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

  Douglas Adams

  Love, Inspirational, Hilarious

  "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time (Dirk Gently, Book 3)". Book by Douglas Adams, 2002.

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• Life is so unlike theory.

  Anthony Trollope

  Funny, Life, Literature

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• When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed

  Laurell K. Hamilton

  Doubt, When In Doubt

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• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Witty

  Epigraph to Eric Lax Woody Allen and his Comedy (1975)

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• My whole life is waiting for the questions to which I have prepared answers.

  Tom Stoppard

  Life, Waiting, Answers

  Tom Stoppard (2011). “Lord Malquist and Mr. Moon: A Novel”, p.40, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.

  Chetan Bhagat

  Female, Combination, Dangerous

  Chetan Bhagat (2009). “2 States: The Story of My Marriage”, p.38, Sandesh S

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• He has a heart of gold - only harder.

  Adolphe Menjou

  Funny Inspirational, Heart, Gold

  "Fictional character: Oliver Niles". "A Star Is Born", www.imdb.com. 1937.

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• First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.

  Clint Eastwood

  Baby, Sleep, Blow

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• If the apocalypse comes...beep me!

  Joss Whedon

  Funny, Vampire, Sound

  "Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Never Kill a Boy on the First Date". www.imdb.com. 1997.

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• Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.

  Monica Seles

  Pasta, Bread, Life Is

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• If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.

  Bill Watterson

  Stars, Cute Life, Night

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• Life is like eating artichokes; you have got to go through so much to get so little.

  Tad Dorgan

  Love, Life, Vegetables

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• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  Elayne Boosler

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

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• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

  Albert Einstein

  Funny, Girl, Witty

  "News Chronicle" (March 14, 1949), as cited by "The Columbia World of Quotations", 1996.

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• There is properly no history, only biography.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  History, Historical, Biographies

  Essays "History" (1841)

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• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Humor

  "Fictional character: Alvy Singer". "Annie Hall", www.imdb.com. 1977.

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