Anthony Jeselnik Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  133 Copy quote

• This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Xbox, Funny Christmas

  133 Copy quote

• My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Mom, Girlfriend, Brother

  Twitter post from Sep 25, 2010

  79 Copy quote

• I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Humor, Looks

  Twitter post from Aug 21, 2013

  131 Copy quote

• I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Baby, Thinking, Wife

  Twitter post from Jun 24, 2010

  108 Copy quote

• I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  47 Copy quote

• I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Nice, Blow, Guy

  Twitter post from Sep 26, 2011

  51 Copy quote

• Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Writing, Way, Retarded

  Twitter post from Oct 04, 2010

  78 Copy quote

• I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girl, Crazy, Sleep

  Twitter post from Sep 26, 2010

  69 Copy quote

• Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Jesus, Humor

  62 Copy quote

• Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Wall, Cancer

  "Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump". TV Special, www.imdb.com. March 15, 2011.

  66 Copy quote

• You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Baby, Pain

  92 Copy quote

• I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Night, Dating, Blind

  Twitter post from Apr 15, 2010

  35 Copy quote

• Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  Twitter post from Oct 15, 2010

  49 Copy quote

• My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Men, Want

  Twitter post from Sep 30, 2010

  57 Copy quote

• My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Dad, Father

  85 Copy quote

• Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Writing, Dark, Thinking

  "Comedian Anthony Jeselnik: “He’s The Best!” -Everybody". Interview With David Dean, www.serialoptimist.com. November 29, 2010.

  61 Copy quote

• I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Cousin, Hypocrite, Politics

  Twitter post from Jan 25, 2010

  69 Copy quote

• My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Baby, Girlfriend, Body

  Twitter post from Aug 30, 2010

  24 Copy quote

• I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Lying, Guy

  53 Copy quote

• A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Girlfriend, Couple

  46 Copy quote

• Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Country, Optimistic, Thinking

  Twitter post from May 26, 2009

  69 Copy quote

• Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, Dad, Writing

  "Comedian Anthony Jeselnik: “He’s The Best!” -Everybody". Interview With David Dean, www.serialoptimist.com. November 29, 2010.

  40 Copy quote

• Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Baby, Girlfriend, Home

  63 Copy quote

• I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Girlfriend, My Girlfriend, Worried

  Twitter post from Mar 14, 2010

  33 Copy quote

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