Steven Wright Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Running, Time

  44 Copy quote

• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Batteries

  39 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  431 Copy quote

• I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

  Steven Wright

  Work, Opportunity, Self

  137 Copy quote

• I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Paranoid, Not Sure

  76 Copy quote

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Ideas

  436 Copy quote

• All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  31 Copy quote

• Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Sweaters

  29 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Success, Clever

  81 Copy quote

• I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  78 Copy quote

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  Steven Wright

  Depression, Sarcastic, Anger

  62 Copy quote

• 43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  Steven Wright

  Statistics, Made, Spots

  9 Copy quote

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Monday, Humor

  37 Copy quote

• When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Children, Humor

  70 Copy quote

• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Swim

  15 Copy quote

• Half the people you know are below average.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Average

  12 Copy quote

• Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

  Steven Wright

  Country, Phones, Questions And Answers

  18 Copy quote

• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  24 Copy quote

• What's another word for Thesaurus?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Funny, Silly

  "Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary, edited by Christian Kay, Jane Roberts, Michael Samuels & Irené Wotherspoon" by Steven Poole, www.theguardian.com. December 18, 2009.

  35 Copy quote

• If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

  Steven Wright

  Mother, Kids, Hands

  9 Copy quote

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Clever, Smart

  17 Copy quote

• The speed of time is one second per second.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Speed

  11 Copy quote

• You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

  Steven Wright

  Depression, Nice, Scare

  122 Copy quote

• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

  Steven Wright

  Hawaii, Highways, Interstate

  9 Copy quote

• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Ink

  10 Copy quote

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