I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Half the people you know are below average.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
The speed of time is one second per second.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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