Steven Wright Quotes - Page 9

Quotes about:

• I invented the cordless extension cord.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

  6 Copy quote

• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Bread

  9 Copy quote

• I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  23 Copy quote

• I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  18 Copy quote

• I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Dog, Silly

  15 Copy quote

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  32 Copy quote

• I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

  Steven Wright

  Beach, Sea, Shells

  "I Have a Pony". Live album by Steven Wright, track 09, 1985.

  16 Copy quote

• I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Real, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

  Steven Wright

  Dying, Almost Dying, Bungee

  23 Copy quote

• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  30 Copy quote

• If God dropped acid, would he see people?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Dropping Acid

  "The Things I Wish They'd Told Me. As I Was Growing Up". Book by David Rankin, p. 97, 2010.

  52 Copy quote

• Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

  Steven Wright

  Distance, Long, Walking

  4 Copy quote

• I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Batteries

  4 Copy quote

• When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hurt, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

  Steven Wright

  Names, Mets, Generic

  4 Copy quote

• If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

  Steven Wright

  Killing, Eternity, Time To Kill

  9 Copy quote

• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Borders

  10 Copy quote

• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  12 Copy quote

• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  33 Copy quote

• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Business, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Rays

  4 Copy quote

• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

  Steven Wright

  Museums, Arms, Comedy

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

  17 Copy quote

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Comedy, Express Yourself

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  13 Copy quote

• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doe

  9 Copy quote

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