Steven Wright Quotes - Page 13

Quotes about:

• I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

  23 Copy quote

• I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

  Steven Wright

  Baby, Thinking, Needs

  "When the Leaves Blow Away". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

  7 Copy quote

• All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  7 Copy quote

• I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, My Dog, Walks

  4 Copy quote

• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

  Steven Wright

  Communication, Home, Car

  7 Copy quote

• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Cat, Eye

  14 Copy quote

• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Ocean, Humor

  57 Copy quote

• I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  13 Copy quote

• While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Gone

  12 Copy quote

• After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  15 Copy quote

• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Play

  33 Copy quote

• I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cake

  16 Copy quote

• I was an only child, eventually.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Children, Humor

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  5 Copy quote

• A metaphor is like a simile.

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Metaphor, Simile

  7 Copy quote

• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

  Steven Wright

  Men, Gambling, Las Vegas

  88 Copy quote

• Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

  Steven Wright

  Language, Sometimes, Subconscious

  "When the Leaves Blow Away". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

  6 Copy quote

• I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Glasses, Two

  8 Copy quote

• If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Use

  9 Copy quote

• I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Garage

  4 Copy quote

• I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Science, Technology

  6 Copy quote

• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Laughing

  16 Copy quote

• You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

  Steven Wright

  Fighting, Hockey, Games

  "CNN Live Today" with Daryn Kagan, edition.cnn.com. April 19, 2006.

  4 Copy quote

• I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

  Steven Wright

  Home, Phones, Machines

  4 Copy quote

• Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

  Steven Wright

  Hours, Faster, Officers

  8 Copy quote

• I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

  Steven Wright

  Grateful, Careers, Imagination

  18 Copy quote

Page 13 of 22

First

← Prev

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin