Steven Wright Quotes - Page 16

Quotes about:

• What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

  Steven Wright

  Crazy, Matter, Logic

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• So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

  Steven Wright

  Wings, People, Forget

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• I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

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• When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

  Steven Wright

  Father, Stranger, Havens

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• I'm a peripheral visionary.

  Steven Wright

  Vision, Visionaries

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• I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Phones

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• Does fuzzy logic tickle?

  Steven Wright

  Fuzzy, Doe, Logic

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• Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

  Steven Wright

  Children, Insane, Littles

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• I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Mistake, Humor

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• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Giving

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• I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Eye, Black And White

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• Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Yesterday

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• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Kids

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• At one point he decided enough was enough.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Frustration

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• People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

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• My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

  Steven Wright

  Mother, Son, Talking

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• I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Tired, Humor

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• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Scientist

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• I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

  Steven Wright

  Tree, Forests, Walking

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

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• For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

  Steven Wright

  Running, Justice, Car

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• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Pigs

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• I just lost a buttonhole.

  Steven Wright

  Lost

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• The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

  Steven Wright

  Doctors

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• It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

  Steven Wright

  West, Internet, Wild West

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• To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

  Steven Wright

  Song, Minutes, Notes

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