Steven Wright Quotes - Page 19

Quotes about:

• Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Baby

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• I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

  Steven Wright

  Years, People, Comedian

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• Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

  Steven Wright

  Nice, Childhood, Bigs

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• I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Phones

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• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Employee

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• I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Fax Machines

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• The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, People, Ledges

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• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Money, Humor

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• I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cheese

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• I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Suicide, Humor

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• I took a baby shower.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Baby, Humor

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• How young can you die of old age?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Birthday, Humor

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• I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

  Steven Wright

  Laughing, Attention, Classroom

  "Steven Wright Offers Pony Rides". Interview with Jon Chattman, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 26, 2009.

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• In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

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• I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Gone

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• I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cheese

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• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Simple

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• How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  4 Copy quote

• I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

  Steven Wright

  Years, Three, Looks

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• [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

  Steven Wright

  Trust, Two, Glasses

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• I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Mirrors

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• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

  Steven Wright

  Moving, Taken, Focus

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• Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sex, Humor

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• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Hands

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• I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

  Steven Wright

  Naked, Band

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